s0ul-se@rching

i've started attending yoga classes with chris in downtown birmingham. i feel "renewed". we got there late so we were forced to be separated, and i got wedged next to a lady with a case of heavy wheezing. everyone had assumed different poses, so i just took the safe route and made an L with my legs to the wall like the lady on my left. the instructor was very warm and unassuming (much like they should be). occassionally she would come over and gently put her hand over mine to guide me and then whisper, "good job." she was filled with the cliche yoga phrases like, "you deserve this" and "listen to your body" and "use this to escape whatever is troubling you." once she even threw in "make a beyonce booty."

i might go to a few more sessions because the first week is free, but then i am afraid that i do not have the funds to afford such a cosmopolitan lifestyle. then again, i prefer fresh experiences like this when it's still new and i don't know anyone and haven't made it a routine. i hate being a regular anywhere. the moment someone knows exactly what i'm going to order before i even open my mouth is the moment that i know i can never return.

last night i got called off of work, so i joined chris at java hut to job search (unsuccessfully) while he studied body tissue. the middle aged lady next to me was chatting it up on facebook. her profile picture was of her and her dachschund. i enjoyed this. she also received phone calls from most likely her bff, bitching about some asshole man in her life, but then shaking it off with forced confidence, as if she had bigger and better things coming. she does, i'm sure. don't we all.

i have been having separating anxiety from everyone lately. i need to be among friends, or strangers, even if we don't talk and just sit together in silence. my energy needs to be focused outward and not inward.

look at me, i have become hokey to the max....

saving lives

the ladies i work with at crisis hotline post-poned our dinner plans. those bitchez....

i love those ladies soo so much. they are the reason i get up every tuesday morning. why is it that i always seem to connect with middle-aged women? we have such girly chats consisting of things like cooking, traveling, movies, menopause/aging, beauty secrets, gardening, etc. i have happily been taken in as their child. when they talk about things that i can't relate to, someone always eventually notices and brings me back in by asking me about my trips to chicago/haircuts. so considerate.

justin's mom handed out pamphlets about the women's spiritual retreat that i am totally partaking in next month. (she corrected me and said that it wasn't necessarily spiritual, but i think it sounds more exciting that way, so i'm going to keep calling it that.) she describes it as a day for us to celebrate ourselves, how kewt. all of the hotline ladies are invited, and i'm pretty sure that the average age of attendees will be 56. while i'd like to think that this day will be magical, it will probably just be a cool experience. i am so pumped.

i have so many avocados that need to be turned into guacamole asap. i think justin is going to come over tonight and we are going to make guac and play some ridiculous game like yahtzee.
this is a plus.

whomp whomp........

just had the most unfriendly trader joes cashier ever. she was such a bitch! i felt like i was shopping at jewel osco, she was clearly suicidal. there was no, "how are you?" "any exciting plans for the evening??" "oh my god, these prig khing green beans are GREAT..." last time i was there, the cashier told me that i was beautiful. (i told susan this story, and she was completely unimpressed and said that she thinks they're paid to say that....) but really, trader joes employees are usually sent from the heavens, and i depend on that kind of customer care. i mean, i don't have a boyfriend so my self-esteem needs to be boosted somehow...haha

what a disappointment. oh well.
at least they were playing bobby vee.

cold weather romance

lisa has been chatting it up with the direct tv guy for the past two hours. they're practically planning their lives together at this point. (he's black, obviously.)

where's MY snowbunnie????

megabus megasuxxxxx

my bus arrived to pick me up from downtown detroit 3 hrs late yesterday. i won't bore you with all of the downer details, but i will mention that, during that time, a homeless man tried to pull my mittens off of my hands. i won. what he did not know was that i did happen to have an extra pair of gloves in my backpack that i might have been inclined to give to him if he had asked me nicely. won't get anywhere with that kind of behavior......

and i think that our bus driver was blind and/or homicidal due to the day's circumstances. how i ever made it here is beyond me.

dreamz

two summers ago i had a dream that i had breast cancer. i believe the dream was inspired by two things:

1) i was stricken with guilt after having smoked hookah the night before, and i was worried that one day i would never be able to sing again. and not that it even mattered because half of the people in my life these days don't even know that i used to sing. but just the thought of losing what could have been, and what was so much a part of me since practically the time i could speak--having that taken away from me. horrible.
2) that same week i had browsed the pages of a book at my volunteer job titled something like "Learning to Love the Body that God Gave You." i am awfully critical of my body, and i resolved that this dream was meant to tell me that i should love what i have because one day i might not have anything.

i told my parents about this dream, and it wasn't until a few days later when they got up the nerve to tell me that my mom was going to have to have her lung removed. the first thing i worried about was whether she'd be able to sing again.

well, she is better now, and while her voice has lost some strength, she can still sing.

yesterday

the better half of yesterday was spent doing my usual lollygagging at the library. or rather, "my" library, which a friend of mine noticed i tend to call it...as if it is no one else's. it's true.

this time i was on more of a mission than usual, however, as i was specifically seeking out the film "the darjeeling limited" (on the shelf it rested, as i had hoped--success) and "the bell jar" by sylvia plath (there was a whopping total of five copies i could choose from: two hardcover, three soft; i went with soft). i realize that sylvia plath is so five years ago, but i'll accept the embarrassment that comes with the fact that i have a ridiculous amount of reading to catch up on. which i will have time to do, now that i'm retired.

i also grabbed the movie "annie hall," which wasn't part of the original plan, but they're free rentals, and i'm positive that i'm the only person who is continuously checking out that movie only to let it rest in its case before having to take it back in time for its due date. it's a shame, it's a good flick. i will get to it one of these days.

got home and had some cinnamon tea that my friend jason gifted me for christmas/hannukah, along with the most adorable tea set i have ever seen. it is the color turquoise, my favorite. these are the kind of friends you keep around. spent the rest of the afternoon sipping tea while reading my book in the room in my house that no one uses besides me, but only when no one is home.

i need to do these things more often. being retired was great until winter break ended and everyone else's lives went back to how they were before and mine didn't. it is okay. i have my book, and my tea, and my movies. and my library.

c00000L

i was in, what i thought to be, an eternal funk. and then i talked to debbie. sometimes i think her calls help me more than i help her.

life is going to be okay.

update

just weighed myself and i am currently 98 lbs....this is NOT good.

on the other hand, i really like the sickly pale color of my face right now. macaulay culkin pulls off the sickly look quite well, if you ask me.

i need to catch up on 3 meals and sleep for 5 days straight...starting now.

sorry to those who "eew" easily

i can't stop puking. i puked at work last night (in the bathroom, thankfully). i puked in a rite aid's parking lot after i decided it was unsafe for me to drive home. i puked pretty much hourly from the time i got home until 5am this morning.

i NEVER puke. i would say the best puking story, though, was when i puked on my mom on mother's day. "happy mother's day, mom."

i have a fever too. i am seriously going to murder whoever got me sick......

flowers never bend with the rainfall.

i was just reading over an old old livejournal of mine from like 2004, and it brought me to the unsettling realization that my life keeps repeating myself. while i'd like to think that i've learned a thing or two along the way, i'm struggling with the same questions that i struggled with four years ago. i'll probably still struggle with them in the years to come...

i had totally deep and completely different conversations with two people today, and they both coincidentally came to the same conclusion that i belong in the romantic era. i knew in school that i always found myself attracted to poets and artists from that era, but i never fully delved into what romanticism really means. it's true. i am full of dreams and ideals and constantly wanting a life that's bigger than life. i'm searching for passion and won't settle for anything less than passion, even if it comes with pain. both people said that they shared those same ideals. it was just strange that that same observation was drawn on two occassions today from such different contexts. i wish i wasn't that way, but i guess that statement changes with the day.

i need to shut my brain off......big deal, nothing matters.

everyone's getting cancer.......

pretty mary k

my friend mary called me in the wee hours of the morning:

diana: hello...?
mary: hey girl, what's up!
diana: umm nothing.... what time is it?
mary: i think like 5:30.. oh shit, did i wake you up?
diana: no i was..kind of awake..... like, did you just wake up..? or is this still yesterday for you?
mary: sort of both... i just got your message that said to call you, so i was like, "okay.." and called. i guess i could have waited a few hours...
diana: hahahahaha

i'm pretty sure she was completely sober, too. best wake-up call ever....