dreamz

two summers ago i had a dream that i had breast cancer. i believe the dream was inspired by two things:

1) i was stricken with guilt after having smoked hookah the night before, and i was worried that one day i would never be able to sing again. and not that it even mattered because half of the people in my life these days don't even know that i used to sing. but just the thought of losing what could have been, and what was so much a part of me since practically the time i could speak--having that taken away from me. horrible.
2) that same week i had browsed the pages of a book at my volunteer job titled something like "Learning to Love the Body that God Gave You." i am awfully critical of my body, and i resolved that this dream was meant to tell me that i should love what i have because one day i might not have anything.

i told my parents about this dream, and it wasn't until a few days later when they got up the nerve to tell me that my mom was going to have to have her lung removed. the first thing i worried about was whether she'd be able to sing again.

well, she is better now, and while her voice has lost some strength, she can still sing.

yesterday

the better half of yesterday was spent doing my usual lollygagging at the library. or rather, "my" library, which a friend of mine noticed i tend to call it...as if it is no one else's. it's true.

this time i was on more of a mission than usual, however, as i was specifically seeking out the film "the darjeeling limited" (on the shelf it rested, as i had hoped--success) and "the bell jar" by sylvia plath (there was a whopping total of five copies i could choose from: two hardcover, three soft; i went with soft). i realize that sylvia plath is so five years ago, but i'll accept the embarrassment that comes with the fact that i have a ridiculous amount of reading to catch up on. which i will have time to do, now that i'm retired.

i also grabbed the movie "annie hall," which wasn't part of the original plan, but they're free rentals, and i'm positive that i'm the only person who is continuously checking out that movie only to let it rest in its case before having to take it back in time for its due date. it's a shame, it's a good flick. i will get to it one of these days.

got home and had some cinnamon tea that my friend jason gifted me for christmas/hannukah, along with the most adorable tea set i have ever seen. it is the color turquoise, my favorite. these are the kind of friends you keep around. spent the rest of the afternoon sipping tea while reading my book in the room in my house that no one uses besides me, but only when no one is home.

i need to do these things more often. being retired was great until winter break ended and everyone else's lives went back to how they were before and mine didn't. it is okay. i have my book, and my tea, and my movies. and my library.

c00000L

i was in, what i thought to be, an eternal funk. and then i talked to debbie. sometimes i think her calls help me more than i help her.

life is going to be okay.

update

just weighed myself and i am currently 98 lbs....this is NOT good.

on the other hand, i really like the sickly pale color of my face right now. macaulay culkin pulls off the sickly look quite well, if you ask me.

i need to catch up on 3 meals and sleep for 5 days straight...starting now.

sorry to those who "eew" easily

i can't stop puking. i puked at work last night (in the bathroom, thankfully). i puked in a rite aid's parking lot after i decided it was unsafe for me to drive home. i puked pretty much hourly from the time i got home until 5am this morning.

i NEVER puke. i would say the best puking story, though, was when i puked on my mom on mother's day. "happy mother's day, mom."

i have a fever too. i am seriously going to murder whoever got me sick......

flowers never bend with the rainfall.

i was just reading over an old old livejournal of mine from like 2004, and it brought me to the unsettling realization that my life keeps repeating myself. while i'd like to think that i've learned a thing or two along the way, i'm struggling with the same questions that i struggled with four years ago. i'll probably still struggle with them in the years to come...

i had totally deep and completely different conversations with two people today, and they both coincidentally came to the same conclusion that i belong in the romantic era. i knew in school that i always found myself attracted to poets and artists from that era, but i never fully delved into what romanticism really means. it's true. i am full of dreams and ideals and constantly wanting a life that's bigger than life. i'm searching for passion and won't settle for anything less than passion, even if it comes with pain. both people said that they shared those same ideals. it was just strange that that same observation was drawn on two occassions today from such different contexts. i wish i wasn't that way, but i guess that statement changes with the day.

i need to shut my brain off......big deal, nothing matters.

everyone's getting cancer.......

pretty mary k

my friend mary called me in the wee hours of the morning:

diana: hello...?
mary: hey girl, what's up!
diana: umm nothing.... what time is it?
mary: i think like 5:30.. oh shit, did i wake you up?
diana: no i was..kind of awake..... like, did you just wake up..? or is this still yesterday for you?
mary: sort of both... i just got your message that said to call you, so i was like, "okay.." and called. i guess i could have waited a few hours...
diana: hahahahaha

i'm pretty sure she was completely sober, too. best wake-up call ever....