every time i try to grow my hair out, this happens...

bye bye, long hair. bye bye, happiness.

devil cat

i officially hate fucking cats.

my morning began with having to transport a member's cat from his apartment to the staff office, as that member was moving but was not present (he's at a nursing home--it's complicated). therefore, as the movers were going in and out of the apartment all day, creating a perfect opportunity for that cat to make its great escape into freedom, it was my job to prevent that great escape from happening.

let me begin by saying, i have had previous interactions with this cat in the past and have never liked it. its name is dolly. dolly is not a "doll," by any means. dolly is an insecure bitch. one minute it is rubbing up against you, the next it is snapping its head back to bite your finger off. i have scooped its poop and piss countless times, picked up its hairballs that resemble poop (vommmmm), fed it, and provided it with cold and fresh bowls of water more times than i can count with zero signs of thanks. i should also say that i really did try to have a pleasant relationship with this cat up until today, never revealing the true feelings of disgust that i had for it. (i refuse to give dolly a gendered pronoun, as i feel it does not deserve that kind of courtesy.)

but today, dolly pulled the last straw.

i understand that, by removing dolly from its apartment, i was crushing every dream it may have ever had to be a city slicker. but i mean....when i went to get the cat, it was curled up and hiding in the corner under the bed. NOT GONNA GET A TASTE OF FREEDOM BY HIDING, PUSSY. plus, i don't even care if the cat was going to escape or not! sure, run away! no skin off my back. just following boss's orders.

once i was finally able to get my hands around the thing (firmly, but not violently), dolly immediately began whining and squirming like a little cunt. it was me vs. dolly, down a flight of stairs, through the common areas, successfully pushing open three doors. i was winning up until the very end when i had to unlock the office door with my keys, leaving only one hand to wrestle dolly with. it was too much. she turned around and fucking clawed my entire chest, slashing and putting two large holes in my shirt, and then diving to the ground. the cat won. well, it didn't really win, because we were in a pretty small foyer, so it wasn't a big deal to grab it again and throw it into the office after that (which made it extremely displeased). BUT STILL. it was 10am and i looked like a fucking victim of domestic violence. and then i had to spend the entire day cooped in an office with it, exchanging harsh glances.

so seriously, cats are way too fucking sassy. people are sassy enough. i need my animals to be loving and loyal. i'm sorry if you love these demons, but today just proved that they ain't for me.

lazing on a sunday afternoon

"just think about what's happening from my end right now...i'm bloated and full of snot, trying to blow my nose...you have your finger in my bellybutton and are pinching my chub...and i just threw my tissue towards the wastebasket, and missed." - my boyfriend

some people make ya feel young. this relationship makes me feel like i'm about 90.

and i mean that in the most endearing way possible...

WE LUV U RAINFOREST CAFE

while standing outside of the photo booth after taking our pics, they are so kind as to replay every interaction that went on while in that photo booth.

crafting my belated hannukah gift

confessions

so i kind of want to see the movie "sherlock holmes" because i secretly have a crush on jude law.

yes, i said it.

i do realize that jude law is like the skeeziest of the skeezy, which normally is not my type, but there is something about him that i find so appealing... he could totally use and abuse me.

well i'll be!

i recently discovered that elliott smith actually resides at community care nursing home in south chicago, contrary to popular belief.

he's duped us all these years...

http://grammar.quickanddirtytips.com/good-versus-well.aspx

Call me a snob, but it really REALLY bothers me when people say, "I am well" in response to the question, "How are you?" They always say it with such pretentious confidence, too, as if they are intelligent and you are not. I've tried arguing this point several times with several people but nobody really knows/cares. I'm glad we've settled this.

In other news, I was a caterpillar for halloween.

(taken the day before, prior to acquiring a black turtleneck)

bastards

i got a rejection letter from a job that i had rejected two days prior. they apparently felt the need to get the last word in.

today mayo and i found the most beautiful mustard yellow, tweed sofa at the salvation army, but it was SOLD!!! to a woman named angela. that bitch. we tried to conjure up ways to snatch the gem, like coming in tomorrow and posing as angela. but i'm positive that the lady at the cash register works there every single day. and her mind is a pearl.

i really have lost the desire to go out these days. i'd rather just eat dried fruit and look for couches on my mactop. BUT I WILL GO GREAT LENGTHS TO GO TO A CIDER MILL!!! for real, people. i thrive off of these seasonal activities. or just talking about doing them and never following through.

a client told me that i look exactly like joan of arc. i later googled pictures and discovered that i look nothing like joan of arc. he is one of those rare birds who can go into a deep, intelligent discussion about the symbolism in dante's inferno and then shit his pants two minutes later. great guy.

eating my feelings

can one ever have too much asparagus?

save shorekare...

the state hasn't closed our doors yet, and i'm already mourning the death of hubbard...

nothing is more depressing than job searching when i'm perfectly content with the one i have.

i just realized that this is the first time i'm actually feeling affected by this recession.

lyfecantbperfect.

i'm applying for residency at southview manor!

FML

yesterday a client told me that i have a pretty face.
he's almost 100% blind.

I'm hopeless due to costco contacts...

taken from the article "What Guys Really Notice About You":

He won't notice... Eye makeup that's smudged.

He will notice... Eyes that are bloodshot.

Fisher explains: "Women think smudged liner or mascara makes them look unattractive. But from what I can tell, men don't see it as a bad thing. You probably look more real to them, and you may have to point it out for them to even pick up on it. Red, bloodshot eyes and whites of the eyes that don't look bright, on the other hand, are very noticeable because they show you're unhealthy, run-down, or strung out...and that is never attractive."


FUCK.

weekend recap

walked by the gospel fest today.

ate some baos.

got some new polish.

juergen invited me to a friend's bbq last night, but by "bbq," there were four people there, including us, and the host cooked the two of us chicken and microwavable rice in his kitchen.

janie is a nice addition to the west division household. she eats, sleeps, blogs, and occasionally is up for an adventure or two. yesterday we stopped in a store filled with junk. literally, i think it was called "the junk store". there was nothing there that i particularly needed, but it was one of those cozy, hidden gems that i'm just happy to know exists.

i actually look forward to monday mornings at work when the nursing home busses pull up and the clients slowly trickle/wobble/wheel/stumble on in. my babies.

MODERN WORLD / MATERIALISM / LOW-LIFE

i think that my quality of life would slightly improve if i had a television.

preferrably a 42" flat screen lcd?

"barbara is like butter"

taken from one of the most random/amazing nights of my life.

meantime...

i love how molly told me that she knew she had to end things with her boyfriend when he started doing pirouettes in her kitchen.

i witness and/or experience insanity on a daily basis, yet i wouldn't have it any other way.

the kissing bandit.

i was kissed by a client at work today. he whispered sweet nothings in my ear, then cornered me and lay a juicy one on my cheek before i could escape or reprimand him. how dare he! (i kind of liked it.)

also, i laughed at a client who kept saying "yuh" after everything i said. it wouldn't have been so bad if karl wasn't sitting directly behind him grumbling "yuh" in the background after every time the client said it. i had to take a breather for about 10 seconds before moving on to the rest of the intake. i am horrible.

susan and i are being forced out to dinner due to toilet problems. l8tr g8tr.

life is good

there are sooo many characters at the new job. ilovethemsomuch.

yesterday susan, fadi, and myself took a trip up to skokie to celebrate our jewish heritage. we really just went shopping, then feasted at pita inn and perused the middle eastern market next door. fadi is actually arabic but says he feels no attachment to his ethnic background and sometimes gets mistaken for an israeli. why not. so many yamakas. baba ganoush all around!

i need to start a weekly yoga regimen.
lisa and i are going to start tanning so we can be bronze beach babes come summer. hollerrr.

who wants to go rollerskating in my living room? we got the space.

she works hard for the money

some lady told my manager that i spoiled her appetite due to poor service. it was actually the best part of my day. my manager laughed. "i said to gimme fettuccini sauce, you gave me spaghetti sauce!" ummmm FETTUCCINI AND SPAGHETTI AREN'T SAUCES, YOU UNEDUCATED BITCH. brian spent the remainder of the night singing "it's so cold in the d"

regardless, i didn't pee or sit for 11 hrs straight today. whatamidoing?

justin says that he will pay to get my hair braided at an african hair salon in detroit.

"fatymas"

i miss fadi

see you soon, buddy.