paul anka wrote a song about me.

i officially hate fucking cats.

my morning began with having to transport a member's cat from his apartment to the staff office, as that member was moving but was not present (he's at a nursing home--it's complicated). therefore, as the movers were going in and out of the apartment all day, creating a perfect opportunity for that cat to make its great escape into freedom, it was my job to prevent that great escape from happening.

let me begin by saying, i have had previous interactions with this cat in the past and have never liked it. its name is dolly. dolly is not a "doll," by any means. dolly is an insecure bitch. one minute it is rubbing up against you, the next it is snapping its head back to bite your finger off. i have scooped its poop and piss countless times, picked up its hairballs that resemble poop (vommmmm), fed it, and provided it with cold and fresh bowls of water more times than i can count with zero signs of thanks. i should also say that i really did try to have a pleasant relationship with this cat up until today, never revealing the true feelings of disgust that i had for it. (i refuse to give dolly a gendered pronoun, as i feel it does not deserve that kind of courtesy.)

but today, dolly pulled the last straw.

i understand that, by removing dolly from its apartment, i was crushing every dream it may have ever had to be a city slicker. but i mean....when i went to get the cat, it was curled up and hiding in the corner under the bed. NOT GONNA GET A TASTE OF FREEDOM BY HIDING, PUSSY. plus, i don't even care if the cat was going to escape or not! sure, run away! no skin off my back. just following boss's orders.

once i was finally able to get my hands around the thing (firmly, but not violently), dolly immediately began whining and squirming like a little cunt. it was me vs. dolly, down a flight of stairs, through the common areas, successfully pushing open three doors. i was winning up until the very end when i had to unlock the office door with my keys, leaving only one hand to wrestle dolly with. it was too much. she turned around and fucking clawed my entire chest, slashing and putting two large holes in my shirt, and then diving to the ground. the cat won. well, it didn't really win, because we were in a pretty small foyer, so it wasn't a big deal to grab it again and throw it into the office after that (which made it extremely displeased). BUT STILL. it was 10am and i looked like a fucking victim of domestic violence. and then i had to spend the entire day cooped in an office with it, exchanging harsh glances.

so seriously, cats are way too fucking sassy. people are sassy enough. i need my animals to be loving and loyal. i'm sorry if you love these demons, but today just proved that they ain't for me.